שלום בשערך - Peace in Your Gates

Ka'as Cup

2005-09-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

In the tradition of if you want to change something it's not enough to intellectualize about it (see Rashi's comment on the juxtaposition of the parshios of Nazir with Sotah), I recently decided to do something "l'ma'aseh-dik" about my problem with ka'as (anger).

I created a "Ka'as Cup." It's basically a "pushkah" (with a label bearing the words "Ka'as Cup" in Hebrew/Yiddish designed by yours truly) and works as follows: each day I successfully avoid yelling (note: I didn't say didn't get angry, as I realized for me that would be impossible. Instead, I am focusing on how I REACT to that anger by trying to avoid yelling) I drop $.25 into the pushkah.

On those days when I am not successful in avoiding yelling, I DEDUCT $1. At the end of the month, if I have collected $7 or more (do the math; it translates into 28 or more days of yelling-free behavior), then we make a "Ka'as Free" party for the entire family (since they also benefit from the lack of yelling).

As a further incentive, the money I collect is for me to use as I please (e.g., purchase seforim, software, etc.).

Chazak v'ya'ametz!

שער הכעס Continued...

2005-04-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

Michael: Thank you for the excellent analysis in your last post, and sorry for the delay in picking up the thread! So, without further delay, here is the next section of the שער:
ואתה רואה בני אדם, כשהם כועסים ומחזיקים בכעסם, אינם משימים לבם על מה שעושים, ועושים הרבה ענינים בכעסם מה שלא היו עושים בלא הכעס, כי הכעס מוציא שכלו של אדם מקרבו עד שמרבה דברי הכעס, ונכנס במחלוקת וקנטורים. לכן אי אפשר שיינצל הכעסן מחטאים גדולים. וכן אמר אליהו לרב יהודה (ברכות כט ב): לא תרתח ולא תחטי. ואמרו (עירובין סה ב):
בשלשה דברים ניכר האדם, האחד מהם - בכעסו, כי בעת הכעס אדם ניכר: אם יתגבר כעסו על חכמתו ועושה עניינים בעת הכעס בלא הנהגת החכמה - בזה ניכר כעסו. ואם תתגבר חכמתו על כעסו, ולא ידבר, ולא יעשה מעשה מחמת הכעס מה שלא היה עושה בלא הכעס - בזה ניכרת חכמתו:

Free translation: "And you see people, when they are angry and hold onto their anger, they do not take notice of what they are doing. And they do things in their anger that they would never do without being angry, because anger negates a person's reason and begets angry words which causes him to enter into arguments and controversies.

Therefore, it is impossible for an angry person to save himself from major sins. And so said Eliahu to Rav Yehuda (Brachot 29b): 'Don't become upset and you will not sin.' And, [says the Gemara] (Eruvin 65b): 'By three things is a person recognized...' one of them is his anger, because at the time of his anger a person is revealed: if his anger overcomes his reason, and he does things while he is angry that defy reason--by this his level of anger is recognizable. And if his reason ovecomes his anger, and he does not say nor do things while angry that he would not do while he is not angry, by this is recognized his level of wisdom."

Wow--pretty powerful mussar that really hits home for me. It's humbling (and embarrassing!) just to remember a few things I've done in the past while angry (that I would never have otherwise done). Clearly, I don't measure up too well on the scale of wisdom at least when I become angry.

Moreover, I find the biggest challenge in this particular area--that of trying to control my anger, and not have it overpower my "sechel," is with my family--the very people I least want to hurt--who are the ones who consistently get the worst of it, at least compared to how I behave at work, in public, etc. I think it's the "boosha" factor; you know, the ol' "What would people think of me if I got angry, etc., etc." However, when it comes to my family, the attitude is, "So, nu, nu...Why can't a man let his hair down at home, etc., etc."

Clearly, this is wrong. Not only that but (as I've unfortunately seen) children are very quick to pick up on their parents' bad habits. And, I've noticed that some of my children have developed "coping" strategies for dealing with stress (which are less than exemplary) that bear a strong resemblance to those of you-know-who!

In the final analysis, I think it gets back to a previous point about hashgacha pratis--i.e., if I really felt that Hashem was directing all the affairs of my life, then I wouldn't get so angry, b/c getting angry is (usually) a response to a situation that doesn't go the way I want it to. But who am I? And why does the world have to be arranged according to my desires?! If I truly believed that "kol ma d'avad Rachmana l'tav avid (Everything Hashem does is for the best) then, takke, that also includes those times when things *don't* go my way. And moreover, on a deeper level that could b'dafka, be the reason why I (meaning my neshama) was put here in this green earth was to experience these sorts of frustrations and learn to overcome them (as a tikkun for my neshama).

Continuing with שער הכעס

2005-02-28T09:47:00.000-08:00

SM: Continuing in the Sha'ar HaKa'as, I found the next few lines are a continuation of the quote in Talmud Nedarim that you already dealt with, i.e. abdominal troubles. We continue with a quote from side B of that daf, so I am linking to an English translation here.

Continuing with our text:
ועוד אמרו רבותינו (נדרים כב ב): כל הכועס - אפילו שכינה אינה חשובה כנגדו, שנאמר (תהלים י ד): "רשע כגבה אפו בל ידרש אין אלהים כל מזמותיו". ואף משכח תלמודו ומוסיף טפשות, שנאמר (קהלת ז ט): "כי כעס בחיק כסילים ינוח", וכתיב (משלי יג טז): "וכסיל יפרוש אולת". ובידוע שעוונותיו מרובים מזכיותיו, שנאמר (משלי כט כב): "ובעל חמה רב פשע". וענשו גדול מאד, שנאמר (משלי יט יט): "גדל חמה נושא עונש":

And furthermore our Rabbanim said [in Nedarim 22b], "He who loses his temper, even the Divine Presence is unimportant in his eyes, as it is written [in Tehillim 10.4], 'The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek God' ".

[The Sha'ar then continues from the quote in the Talmud from R' Yirmiyah of Difti: ] He forgets his learning and waxes ever more stupid, as it is written [in Kohelet 7.9], "For anger resteth in the bosom of fools"; and it is written [in Mishlei 13:16, "But the fool layeth open his folly."

[The Sha'ar quotes R' Nahman b' Yitsak, who said:] "It is certain that his sins out number his merits, as it is written [in Mishlei 19.19], 'And a furious man aboundeth in transgressions' ".

This was pretty straightforward, so it could be good to summarise what we have read so far. What are the consequences of anger?

"All types of Gihenom rule over him", which we could say is a spiritual punishment, but is also "evil in your flesh"

Abdominal troubles, leading to "a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind"

Pride that leads to a neglecting of seeking HaShem's Presence

Forgetting one's learning and becoming stupid

Transgressions add up and outnumber one's merits

This is a gamut of bad effects; we should never know from them.

Ya'asher koach to...me!

2005-02-22T13:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it, and I suppose therefore
I have reason to be proud. What I did
was fulfill my "kabbalah" made last
year at this time (see: Monday, February 02, 2004
post entitled: "Watching Sports on the 'heilige' tv"),
in which I took upon myself to stop watching sports
on tv. However, I actually went further than that, and
stopped following sports altogether--for an entire
year! Thus, my goal--of being ignorant of the sports-
related talk in shul--has, B"H, been met, and then some!

Which, I believe, points to a middos-related point: to
achieve success in changing a middah, it is sometimes
necessary to go "cold turkey." Certainly, there is ample
evidence of this fact in the form of the thousands of people
who have entered the "12 steps program" to overcome
drinking and other substance-abuse problems. Another
key is (and, my guess is, this is probably one of the 12 steps)
it is important to fill the void left by the forsaken activity with
something else of a positive nature. And that, my friends,
is where Torah comes in. And, of course, spending quality
time with the family, instead of running back and forth from
the kitchen to the family room to catch the next snap or
the next pitch! Chasdei Hashem and Aibishter sh'helfen
veiter!

ספר ארחות צדיקים - השער השנים עשר - שער הכעס (Complete)

2005-02-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

ספר ארחות צדיקים - השער השנים עשר - שער הכעס
הכעס היא מידה רעה, וכאשר הגרב מחולי הגוף - כן הכעס מחולי הנפש. ואמרו רבותינו (נדרים כב א): כל הכועס - כל מיני גיהנם שולטים בו, שנאמר (קהלת יא י): "והסר כעס מלבך והעבר רעה מבשרך", ואין רעה אלא גיהנם, שנאמר (משלי טז ד): "כל פעל ה' למענהו וגם רשע ליום רעה". ולא עוד אלא שהתחתוניות שולטות בו, שנאמר (דברים כח סה): "ונתן ה' לך שם לב רגז וכליון עינים ודאבון נפש", איזה דבר שמכלה את העינים ומדאיב את הנפש? הוי אומר אלו התחתוניות! ועוד אמרו רבותינו (נדרים כב ב): כל הכועס - אפילו שכינה אינה חשובה כנגדו, שנאמר (תהלים י ד): "רשע כגבה אפו בל ידרש אין אלהים כל מזמותיו". ואף משכח תלמודו ומוסיף טפשות, שנאמר (קהלת ז ט): "כי כעס בחיק כסילים ינוח", וכתיב (משלי יג טז): "וכסיל יפרוש אולת". ובידוע שעוונותיו מרובים מזכיותיו, שנאמר (משלי כט כב): "ובעל חמה רב פשע". וענשו גדול מאד, שנאמר (משלי יט יט): "גדל חמה נושא עונש":
ואתה רואה בני אדם, כשהם כועסים ומחזיקים בכעסם, אינם משימים לבם על מה שעושים, ועושים הרבה ענינים בכעסם מה שלא היו עושים בלא הכעס, כי הכעס מוציא שכלו של אדם מקרבו עד שמרבה דברי הכעס, ונכנס במחלוקת וקנטורים. לכן אי אפשר שיינצל הכעסן מחטאים גדולים. וכן אמר אליהו לרב יהודה (ברכות כט ב): לא תרתח ולא תחטי. ואמרו (עירובין סה ב):
בשלשה דברים ניכר האדם, האחד מהם - בכעסו, כי בעת הכעס אדם ניכר: אם יתגבר כעסו על חכמתו ועושה עניינים בעת הכעס בלא הנהגת החכמה - בזה ניכר כעסו. ואם תתגבר חכמתו על כעסו, ולא ידבר, ולא יעשה מעשה מחמת הכעס מה שלא היה עושה בלא הכעס - בזה ניכרת חכמתו:
ואמר החכם (פסחים קיג ב): שלשה הקדוש ברוך הוא אוהבם, ואחד מהם - מי שאינו כועס. ואמרו רבותינו (אבות פ"ב מ"ה): לא הקפדן מלמד, כי מרוב כעסו התלמידים יראים ממנו לשאול ספיקותיהם, פן יכעוס עליהם, ואפילו אם שואלים אותו אין לו לב לפרש לתלמידיו כל הצורך, וגם ישיב להם דרך כעס, ומתוך כך לא יבינו. והתלמידים, אפילו שרבם כועס עליהם, ישאלו וידקדקו, ולא יחושו על הכעס, ולא יריבו עם רבם. ועליהם דרשו רבותינו (משלי ל לג): "ומיץ אפים יוציא ריב", כל הכועס עליו רבו פעם אחת ושתים ושותק - זוכה להבחין בין דיני ממונות לדיני נפשות (ברכות סג ב). ואמר מר: אין לך קשה יותר מדיני ממונות ודיני נפשות:
הכעסן אין לו חן בעיני הבריות והוא שנוא בעיניהם, ומתוך כך אין מעשיו מקובלים בעיני הבריות, ואפילו אם יש בידו תורה ומעשים טובים אין העולם למדים ממנו. הכעסן הוא כובד על בני ביתו השומעים תמיד כעסו ותלונתו, וקרוב הדבר לו לבוא לידי תקלה, מפני שמטיל אימה יתירה, כמו ההוא מעשה (דמר עוקבא) [דרבי חנינא בן גמליאל] אשר בקשו בני ביתו להאכילו אבר מן החי (גיטין ז א). הכעסן אינו מעביר על מידותיו ואינו מוחל, אך הוא נוקם ונוטר תמיד:
הכעס מביא אדם לידי מחלוקת, כשהוא כועס עם חביריו יריבו עמו והוא עמהם, וכשיש מחלוקת - יש קנאה ושנאה. וכבר ידעת רעות המחלוקת, כאשר יתבאר בשער המחלוקת. הכעס מונע לב האדם מכל הטובות, כי כשאדם כועס אין לו לב לרחם על העניים. ובהשם, יתברך, נאמר (חבקוק ג ב): "ברוגז רחם תזכור", וזה רחוק מאוד מדרכי בשר ודם. הכעס מבטל כוונת לב האדם בתפילה, ואין שכינה שורה מתוך הכעס. הכעסן לא יהיה חכם גדול, כי הכעס מבריח מלבו חכמתו, שלא יוכל לענות כהוגן ולא יוכיח כהוגן, וכל דבריו לא בהשכיל. הכעסן מונע מעצמו מוסרים ותוכחות, כי אין אדם רשאי לגלות לו טעויותיו ודרכיו המכוערות, כי כל אדם יפחד ממנו להגיד לו עניניו, כי הוא ירגז עליו. ואפילו אם יוכיח אותו שום אדם, לא יקבל ממנו מתוך הכעס:
כללו של דבר: אין הכעסן מקבל שום מידה טובה, אם לא יסיר מלבו הכעס. כמו שאין הכעסן מקבל תוכחה מאחרים, כך אינו יכול להוכיח את אחרים, כי התורה אמרה (ויקרא יט יז): "הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ולא תשא עליו חטא", בתחילה תוכיח אותו בנחת ובסתר, ותאמר לו בלשון רכה ותחנונים כי לטובתו אתה אומר לו, ואז לא תקבל עליו חטא. אבל אם תוכיח את חבירך מתחילה בקול רעש ובזעם ותבייש אותו, אז תקבל עליו חטא, ואותו חבר לא יקבל תוכחה ממך, כי כן דרך בני אדם, כשאדם בא על חבירו בחזקה, אז חבירו מתקשה כנגדו ולא ייכנע תחתיו. ועל זה אמר החכם (קהלת ט יז): "דברי חכמים בנחת נשמעים". וכבר ידעת מהלל ושמאי שאמרו עליהם אותם שלושה הגרים (שבת לא א): קפדנותו של שמאי בקשה לטרדנו מן העולם, ענוותנותו של הלל קרבתנו תחת כנפי השכינה. הלל מרוב ענוה שהיתה בו לא היה אדם יכול להכעיסו, כי המונע עצמו מן הכעס, קונה מידת הענוה והרחמנות, כי מחרון אף תהיה מידת האכזריות, דכתיב (שמות כב כג): וחרה אפי והרגתי אתכם בחרב", וכן לעולם אצל חרון אף כתוב הנקמה (דברים יא יז): "וחרה אף ה' בכם ועצר את השמים":
הכעס גורם עזות לאדם, ומחמת הכעס לא ייכנע וגם לא יודה על האמת. ואמר החכם:
כשתרצה להתחבר עם אדם - הכעיסהו, ואם יודה לך האמת בשעת כעסו - התחבר לו, ואם לאו - עזוב אותו. הכעס מביא לידי טעות. מי לנו גדול ממשה רבינו, עליו השלום, שכעס בשלושה מקומות ובא לכלל טעות, כמו שנאמר (ויקרא י טז): "ויקצוף על אלעזר ועל איתמר", וכתיב (ויקרא י יז): "מדוע לא אכלתם את החטאת במקום הקודש". ונאמר (במדבר כ י): "שמעו נא המורים", וכתיב (במדבר כ יא): "ויך את הסלע". ונאמר (במדבר לא יד): "ויקצוף משה על פקודי החיל", וכתיב (במדבר לא כא):
"ויאמר אלעזר הכהן אל אנשי הצבא הבאים למלחמה זאת חקת התורה", מלמד שנשתכחה הלכה ממשה (ויקרא רבה יג א). ועתה הבן, אם כך הגיע למשה רבינו, עליו השלום, מה יגיע לכסילים הכועסים! ולכך אמר שלמה (קהלת ז ט): "אל תבהל ברוחך לכעוס":
והיזהר בך מאד, שלא תעשה שום קלקול מתוך כעסך, כי אמרו רבותינו (שבת קה ב):
המקרע בגדיו והמפזר מעותיו והמשבר כליו בחמתו יהא בעיניך כעובד עבודה זרה, שכך אומנתו של יצר הרע, היום אומר לו "עשה כך", ולמחר אומר לו "לך עבוד עבודה זרה", והולך ועובד. ובעבור כן כתוב (תהלים פא י): "לא יהיה בך אל זר", איזהו אל זר שהוא בקרבו של אדם? הוי אומר - זה יצר הרע! ראה, איך היצר הרע מתגבר באדם בעת הכעס. ואמר רבי (אבות פ"ה מי"א):
ארבע מידות בדעות: נוח לכעוס ונוח לרצות - יצא הפסדו בשכרו, קשה לכעוס וקשה לרצות - יצא שכרו בהפסדו, נוח לכעוס וקשה לרצות - רשע, קשה לכעוס ונוח לרצות - חסיד. ואלו ארבע מידות נאמרות נגד הצדיק, כשהוא כועס על הטובים או בעניני העולם. אבל קשה לכעוס על עושי עבירות ונוח להם - זו מידה רעה שמתרצה לרשעים, וכל שכן מי שנוח לכעוס על צדיקים וקשה לכעוס על הרשעים, ונוח לרצות לרשעים וקשה לרצות לצדיקים - זהו רשע גמור:
אף על פי שהכעס מידה רעה מאד, מכל מקום צריך אדם להנהיג עצמו בקצת העתים במידת הכעס, כגון לייסר הרשעים, ולהטיל אימה על בני ביתו, ולזרוק מוראו בתלמידים. וכשכועס על הרשעים ישקול כעסו, לפי שאמר משה רבינו, עליו השלום, על ראובן וגד (במדבר לב יד): "תרבות אנשים חטאים", לכך בן בנו נעשה כהן לפסילים, ואף על פי שלשם שמים כעס. הכל צריך מידה בכל דרכיו של אדם, ויראה היאך יעשה המצוות, בין בכעסו בין בשחקו. אדם שיש בו מידת הכעס ומכריח את מידתו ומנהגו כאילו
אינו מבעלי הכעס, עליו נאמר (משלי טז לב): "טוב ארך אפים מגבור ומושל ברוחו מלוכד עיר", ו"ארך אפים" הוא משלוש עשרה מידות הנאמרות בבורא, יתברך:
אמר החכם: מי שכעסו בו במחשבה, תראה עליו היישוב וההדר. ומי שכעסו עליו שלא במחשבה, תראה עליו השטות. עוד אמר החכם: מי שכעסו ורוגזו אמיץ, אינו רחוק מן המשוגעים. ומי שרגיל בכעס, אין חייו חיים (פסחים קיג ב), ואינו שמח לעולם, וכיון שאינו שמח, אינו מקבל מאורעותיו באהבה ובשמחה, ואינו מצדיק עליו את הדין, ואינו יכול לעבוד את השם, יתברך, בשמחה. כשאדם שרוי בתענית, או כשהוא בשום צרה, אז הכעס מאד בלבו. לכן בזמנים האלו צריך ליזהר ביותר שלא יכעוס. השתיקה מבטלת הכעס, וגם קול נמוך מבטל הכעס. לכן יראה האדם, כשכעסו מתגבר עליו, שישתוק, או ידבר בנחת ולא ירים קולו בכעסו, כי המגביה קולו בשעת כעסו, אז יתעורר הכעס, אבל קול נמוך והשתיקה משתיקים הכעס. וגם לא יראה בפניו של אדם שכועס עליו, אלא ידבר עמו בלא ראיית פניו, ואז יבריח הכעס מלבו:
ודע, כי גמר שכלו של אדם הוא שימשול בכעסו, כמו שנאמר (משלי יט יא): "שכל אדם האריך אפו". הכעס נוטה מאד אל הגאוה, ואין הכועס נמלט מן הגאוה. וכבר ידעת רעות הגאוה. וראוי לאדם שיתרחק מן הכעס, ואפילו על דבר שראוי לכעוס עליו יעצור רוחו ולא יכעוס. וכן צריך בעל הכעס לעשות מתחילה כשיעלה בדעתו שלא יכעוס, צריך שלא ירגיש כלל, אפילו הוכה וקולל לא ירגיש ולא יחוש. וזה דבר ברור: מי שהוא קפדן הרבה, יותר נוח לו שלא ירגיש כלל וישתוק ויעצור רוחו לגמרי, ממה שיכעוס מעט. כי זה אי אפשר לכעסן לעשות, כי אם ימשוך בלבו מעט מן הכעס, לבסוף יכעוס הרבה:
ומי שרוצה להטיל אימה על בניו ובני ביתו, ואם הוא פרנס ורוצה לכעוס על הציבור כדי שיחזרו למוטב, כיצד יעשה? יראה עצמו בפניהם שהוא כועס כדי לייסרם, ותהיה דעתו מיושבת בינו ובין עצמו, כאדם שהוא מדמה כועס בשעת כעסו והוא אינו כועס.
וכשהוא מראה כעסו, ייזהר מאד שלא יעשה כן כשיש לו אורחים עניים, כי הם סבורים שהוא כועס עליהם, לכן יראה עצמו שמח בפניהם. ציוו חכמים להתרחק מן הכעס עד שינהיג עצמו שלא ירגיש אפילו בדברים המכעיסים, עד שיעקור הכעס מלבו. וזוהי הדרך הטובה ודרך הצדיקים (שבת פח ב): הם נעלבים ואינם עולבים, שומעים חרפתם ואינם משיבים, עושים מאהבה ושמחים בייסורים, ועליהם הכתוב אומר (שופטים ה לא): "ואוהביו כצאת השמש בגבורתו":

ספר ארחות צדיקים - השער השנים עשר - שער הכעס

2005-01-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

Michael: I am pasting in here the first couple of lines of שער הכעס. I thought it might be easier to discuss with the text in front of us.

ספר ארחות צדיקים - השער השנים עשר - שער הכעס
הכעס היא מידה רעה, וכאשר הגרב מחולי הגוף - כן הכעס מחולי הנפש. ואמרו רבותינו (נדרים כב א): כל הכועס - כל מיני גיהנם שולטים בו, שנאמר (קהלת יא י): "והסר כעס מלבך והעבר רעה מבשרך", ואין רעה אלא גיהנם, שנאמר (משלי טז ד): "כל פעל ה' למענהו וגם רשע ליום רעה."

Let's go line by line. Rough translation: "Anger is a bad middah. And just as 'the itch' damages the body, so does anger damage the soul. And our sages say (נדרים כב א): "All who get angry--all types of Gihenom rule over him.' As it states (קהלת יא י): 'And remove anger from your heart, and remove evil from your flesh.' And there is no evil (as bad as) Gihenom, as it states (משלי טז ד): 'All the works of Hashem (he made) for His sake, even the wicked for the day of retribution.'"

Let us now take a look at the Gemara in Nedarim (22a) referenced above
"R. Samuel b. Nahmani said in the name of R. Jonathan: He who loses his temper is exposed to all the torments of Gehenna,13 for it is written, Therefore remove anger from thy heart,’ thus wilt thou put away evil from thy flesh.14 Now ‘evil’ can only mean Gehenna, as it is written, The Lord hath made all things for himself yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.15 Moreover, he is made to suffer from abdominal troubles, as it is written, But the Lord shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind.16 Now what causes failing eyes and a sorrowful mind? Abdominal troubles."
(13) V. p. 19, n. 6.
(14) Ecc. XI, 10.
(15) Prov. XVI, 4. This is understood to mean Gehenna.
(16) Deut. XXVIII, 65.

According to R' Shmuel bar Nahmani, quoted in the above Gemara, the angry person suffers both spiritually (i.e., "inheriting Gihenom") and physically. The physical suffering of the acutely angry person is well documented (i.e., higher incidence of heart attack, high blood pressure, ulcers, etc.). The spirtual suffering he will endure are the fires of Gihenom in the next world as a result of the evil he does while in a state of anger (as the OT will explain later on), and perhaps also for just getting angry in the first place, which (as we shall also see) is a denial of Hashem's Divine Providence.

Talking about Divine Providence

2005-01-23T23:37:00.000-08:00

SM שלום from Jerusalem!

Firstly I want to thank you for the invitation to become a co-poster on this blog. Since this is my first time here I guess this makes this one historic...! [sound of crickets chirping]

Secondly I think it is a great idea for us to approach together this subject of כעס, throw some ideas back and forth, see what we've learned from the sources. Then maybe to share some anecdotes of particular situations that we may be facing, take them apart, and see if we can find the best way to approach them in real life. Sound good?

So I followed through with your advice of getting a copy of ארחות צדיקים (I assume this translates as "Ways of the Righteous" -- correct me if I am wrong), which you suggested we use as our basic text. I can see already that it has chapters on many different kinds of middot, including that of anger. Shall we start there, or at the beginning?

I must admit to you that I have not done much study in mussar -- in yeshivah because of a scheduling conflict, and outside of yeshivah because of some misapprehensions I had about the subject. Call it prejudice (i.e. making a judgement without the evidence), or just having seen bad examples, but I used to think that mussar was basically a rabbi shaking his finger and saying "nu nu nu"! Tales abound, unfortunately... But gratefully, thanks to HaShem's patient work on me, I have begun to change my outlook on the subject, and am looking forward to discovering it using the classic texts.

I also followed through on your advice of reading previous postings to this blog which deal with the subject of anger and what a corrupting force it is:
Why Getting Angry is Compared to Worshipping Idols from the holy Zohar and Whoever is in a rage resembles an idolater from the Tanya: Igeret HaKodesh. This last piece of Ḥassidic writing goes deeply into the moment that a person becomes angry and describes his choice to do so vis-à-vis of hashgaḥah pratit. Well, I must admit that that one needs some further study, but I wanted to share with you my own small occurence of Divine Providence this very evening!

Believe it or not I found a connexion between anger and parnassah (livelihood), I think.

Between my home and that of my in-laws we have a few books that prescribe various סגולות, segulot, for particular situations. One of these books, תפילה למשה (based on the work of Rav Mordekhai Shar`abi ע''ה) has the following segulot for parnassah:

.א. סגולה לפרנסה לקיים בכל מוצאי שבת סעודת מלוה מלכה

ב. סגולה נוספת לומר בכל יום י''ג עיקרים, וגם לקרוא את אגרת הרמב''ן.

(vol. 2, p.202). The natural question is, what does eating the fourth meal of Shabbat (on Motsaie Shabbat), and reading the Thirteen Principles of the Rambam, and the Letter of the Ramban, every day, have to do with livelihood? I decided to check the אגרת הרמב''ן this evening and was pleasantly surprised to find the opening paragraph:

Hear, my son, the instruction (mussar) of your father and don't forsake the teaching (Torah) of your mother [Mishlei 1:8]. Get into the habit of always speaking calmly to everyone. This will prevent you from anger, a serious character flaw which causes people to sin. As our Rabbanim said [Nedarim 22a]: Whoever flares up in anger is subject to the discipline of Gehinnom as it is says in [Koheleth 12:10], "Cast out anger from your heart, and remove evil from your flesh." "Evil" here means Gehinnom, as we read [Mishlei 16:4]: "...and the wicked are destined for the day of evil." Once you have distanced yourself from anger, the quality of humility will enter your heart. This radiant quality is the finest of all admirable traits, [Mishlei 22:4], "Following humility comes the fear of HaShem."

Hmmm, anger is as the opposite of humility. And perhaps we can deduce that humility is helpful to parnassah, whereas anger is destructive? This is certainly worth examining!

2004-07-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

The Pistons and Moshiach

I came across an article recently
about the successful championship
series of the Detroit Pistons basketball
team (Jewish-owned incidentally).

In the article they interviewed several
players from the team who acknowledged
that their opponent (the Lakers) had superior
talent. What, therefore, was the “key ingredient”
to their success? Ahava (love). The players stated
they loved one another on and off the court,
and would go out of their way to help one another
(i.e., make up for each other’s deficiencies) during
the course of the game. They were a true example
of the strength of team play and how that can even
best a more talented opponent.

For us Yidden, the “mussar v’haskel" (lesson) is obvious and
Jewish history is replete with examples: when we’re
united we’re “unstoppable,” but when we’re at each
other’s throats, then so are our enemies (r’l). A great
sage once said that to be “misaken” (to rectify) the chait (sin) of
“sinas chinam” (unwarranted hatred) we have to practice “ahavas chinam,” (unrequited love) even if it is undeserved. Then, we too, although we are vastly outnumbered, can win the Big One. May
it be soon!

2004-03-26T07:19:00.000-08:00

The Flowchart Analogy for השגחה פרטית (Divine Providence)
It occured to me that as an aid to understanding the concept of השגחה פרטית (Divine Providence)--especially the Ba'al Shem Tov's idea that Hashem is directing the affairs of the world as he is continually renewing the world--one could think of a 'flow-chart,' mapping out a person's route, or destiny. Just as a flow-chart is comprised of 'if-then' statements and different paths, depending on the choices one makes, so too, with Divine Providence--meaning that the moral choices a person makes will determine the next set of circumstances and variables with which he is confronted.

This also speaks to the idea I came across recently (but cannot recall the source), that a person's actions down here influence what happens "upstairs" (i.e., a person's choices will determine the next set of environmental conditions he is dealt). Perhaps, this is also related to what chazal meant by "mitzvah gorreres mitzvah" (one mitzvah leads to another).

2004-03-11T13:43:00.000-08:00

Using one's כוחות (energies) properly...
This week's parsha, כי תשא, describes how the entire tribe of Levi answered Moshe Rabbenu's call to punish those who worshipped the עגל הזהב (golden calf). One could argue that the tribe of Levi's motivation was not pure given their past behavior in שכם. However, Rashi quoting the gemara says "שכל השבט כשר", thus indicating that their intentions were, indeed, pure.

What about the tribe of Shimon--shevet Levi's "partner" in the incident at Schem? Why didn't they run to assist Moshe now? Perhaps we can glean an answer from parshas Balak, when the B'nei Yisrael were sinning with the daughters of Midian. There, Zimri, the leader of the tribe, instead of rebuking his people, rose to their defense and challenged Moshe in a most chutzpadik fashion.

Similarly, with Korach, one of shevet Levi's own sons. He allowed jealousy to blind him and likewise entered into a machlokees with Moshe Rabbenu, שלא לשמה.

Seems the vort is one of properly utilizing one's כוחות (energies) AND of having one's שכל (intellect) be נתגבר (rule) over one's מידות (emotions).

2004-03-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

More Success! Ok, admittedly this is a rather mundane example, but it does demonstrate progress, I think. I was coming home last night from work and pulled up to a four-way stop. The car on my right had the right of way so I allowed him to go. Then, before I had a chance to make my left turn, the next car on my right (who obviously did not have the right of way) pulled ahead of me (and nearly hit me). I slammed on my brakes and hit the horn. The driver, instead of yielding continued straight ahead, and what's more, to make matters worse, stared at me with a look of total brazeness.

In the past, this kind of incident would have really gotten under my skin and I would have hurled a mouthful of curses at the person and would have taken quite a while to calm down. Last night, something different happened. Initially, I did feel myself getting worked up and started to curse the other driver. Then, I caught myself and told myself the following: "Look, be glad you're you and not him (i.e., a fair-minded vs. a not fair-minded person)." I also tried to be 'dan l'kaf z'chus,' thinking that perhaps he didn't see my car. It also occured to me that this was very likely a test sent by הקב''ה to see how I would react and how much progress I'd made spiritually. Finally, I just tried to refocus my mind entirely and forget the incident altogether. And, you know what? In a relatively short time the incident was gone from my memory and I was able to go home to my family in a calm and loving mood. כן ירבו !

I'd be interested to hear stories from others about similar situations and the methods you used to overcome anger.

2004-02-20T07:43:00.000-08:00

Success! I recently received a compliment from my wife about the extraordinary way I was dealing with a particularly stressful and delicate situation. Specifically, she complimented me on how patient and understanding I remained to someone who was seemingly going out of their way to cause me pain.

The credit goes to the Ba'al haTanya, who explains the concept of hashgacah pratis (see quote from his Igeret HaKodesh, below), and to the Lubavitcher Rebbe, zy"a, for recommending the study of hashgacha pratis (Divine providence) for dealing with ka'as (anger), quoted in the Feb 5, 2004 post. Thanks also to Mr. R.L. Kremnizer, yblch"t, for recommending the study of the Rebbe's, zy"a, Igeros Hakodesh for dealing with ka'as, and to the author of the Chassidic Approach to Joy for the reference to Igeret HaKodesh Epistle 25.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm here to tell you IT WORKS! And as they say, the Abershter she helfen veiter!

Tanya: Igeret HaKodesh - Epistle 25:
"The Alter Rebbe explains ... in the present letter, beginning with the teaching of the Sages that "Whoever is in a rage resembles an idolater."

A Jew, he explains, must know that everything comes from G-d.

When someone strikes him or angers him with words, he should remind himself that at that very moment, a glimmer of the Divine Presence - which provides life to all creatures and to this individual as well - has vested itself within that person.

The Alter Rebbe goes on to prove this from King David's response when Shimi ben Geira cursed him. King David said: "For G-d told him, `Curse!'" Although we do not find it explicitly stated that G-d told Shimi to curse David, still, since G-d's spirit animated Shimi at the moment that he cursed David, thus providing him with the strength to do so, David considered this as if "G-d told him to curse."

And this [will be understood] by first considering the teaching of our Sages, of blessed memory: (7) "Whoever is in a rage resembles an idolater." The reason [for this] is clear to those who (8) "know understanding," because at the time of his anger, faith [in G-d and in His individual Divine Providence] has left him. For were he to believe that what happened to him was G-d's doing, he would not be angry at all.

True, it is a person possessed of free choice that is cursing him, or striking him, or causing damage to his property, and [therefore] guilty according to the laws of man and the laws of heaven for his evil choice. [The perpetrator for his part cannot plead innocence on the grounds that he is merely an instrument in the hands of Divine Providence]. Nevertheless, as regards the person harmed, this [incident] was already decreed in heaven, and (9) "G-d has many agents" [through whom He can act. Hence, even if the offending party had chosen otherwise, the incident would have befallen the victim in any case.

This discussion recalls the teaching of the Mechilta cited by Rashi on the verse, (10) - "and G-d caused it to happen to him." For to such a case the Mechilta applies the verse, (11) "From evildoers there emerges evil." This means that though it was decreed from above that someone should sustain an injury, G-d brings it about that a particular person should inflict it. That context, however, speaks of an unwitting injury.

In the case of a potentially willful offender, if instead of choosing freely to act in an evil manner he chose to do otherwise, the event would still have occurred, for "G-d has many agents," as quoted above. At any rate, it is thus clear that the victim has no cause to be angry with the offender, for the true cause of the offense was not him, but a heavenly decree.

The Alter Rebbe now takes this one step further: Not only does the heavenly decree give the offender an undefined potential to do harm, but moreover, the particular thought to do it and the power to do it, all come about from G-d. (At the same time, since man has freedom of choice, he can of course choose to reject such a thought and refrain from doing such a deed.)

Anger thus remains unjustifiable.

For the offended party is not angry that the other party made an evil choice; what angers him is the damage done to him. His anger thus results from his lack of belief that the true cause for his mishap is not a particular individual's evil choice, but a heavenly decree].

And not only this, [that a heavenly decree gave permission in principle and made it possible that he suffer injury], but even at that very moment at which [the offender] strikes or curses him, there is vested in him [in the offender] a force from G-d and the breath of His mouth, which animates and sustains him; as it is written: (12) "For G-d told him, `Curse!'"

Now where did He say so to Shimi? [Where do we find it written that G-d told him to curse David?] But this thought that occurred in Shimi's heart and mind [to curse David], descended from G-d, [Who was thus responsible for such a thought entering Shimi's mind]; and (13) "the breath of His mouth, [which animates] all the hosts [of heaven]," animated the spirit of Shimi at the time he spoke those words to David.

For if the breath of G-d's mouth had departed from the spirit of Shimi for a single moment, he could not have spoken at all."

(7) Zohar I, 27b; III, 179a; Rambam, Hilchot De'ot 2:3 in the name of the "earliest sages" (Chachamim Rishonim); et al.
(8) For an exposition of why the Alter Rebbe specifically uses the phrase "those who `know understanding,'" see Likkutei
Levi Yitzchak on this passage.
(9) Zohar III, 36b; cf. Taanit 18b.
(10) Shmot 21:13.
(11) I Shmuel 24:14.
(12) II Shmuel 16:10.
(13) Tehillim 33:6.

2004-02-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

The Rebbe on controlling ka'as (anger) (אגרות קודש - כרך י"ח עמוד קסט מניעתה – ע"י התבוננות בהשגח"פ)

ב) אודות מדת ההתרגזות והכעס שלה.

תבקש את המורים שלה, שיסבירו לה בביאור רחב ענין השגחה פרטית, שהוא מיסודי אמונתנו, ותוכנו, אשר בורא העולם ומנהיגו משגיח בהשגחה פרטית על כל פרטי דברי ימי חיי', ז.א. אשר בכל רגע נמצאת היא תחת השגחת הבורא, המביט על כל פעולותי', ולכשתתבונן בהענין כמה פעמים עד שיוחקק בזכרונה, בודאי שיפעול עלי' להחליש ההתרגזות והכעס וכו'.

כן תקיים המצווה ע"פ השולחן ערוך, שמי שפוגמים בכבודו, אפילו מתוך כעס, צריך לבקש ממנו מחילה גמורה, וכיון שבקשת מחילה קשה הוא על האדם, ובכל זה תתגבר על זה ותבקש מחילה, הנה בכל פעם שתעמוד להתרגז בטח יעלה בזכרונה, שאחרי כן תהי' צריכה לפעול בעצמה ביטול לבקש מחילה וגם זה יעזור לה להחליש מדת ההתרגזות וכו'.

ולהוספת ברכת השי"ת בזה, הרי עלי' להשפיע על החברות שלה בעניני אהבת ישראל וקירוב הלבבות בין אחת לחברתה, שאז במדתו של הקב"ה שהיא מדה כנגד מדה אלא שכמה פעמים ככה, מוסיפין מלמעלה בזה להמשתדל בזה.

בברכה לבשו"ט בכל האמור,

Free translation:

Further on your traits of your hard-heartedness and anger, you should request of your teachers to explain to you in detail the concept of Divine Providence, which is one of the foundations of our belief, and its contents, (specifically) that the Creator of the world who is also its Supervisor over every detail of our lives, at every moment, and to meditate upon this concept many times, until you have firmly implanted this idea in your mind, and then for certain it will have an impact and weaken the source of your anger and hard-heartedness.

So, too, should you try to fulfill the mitzvah mentioned in the Code of Jewish Law which stipulates that one who denigrates his friend even while angry, is required to request forgiveness of him. And since requesting forgiveness is difficult for a person, and nonetheless if he does gird himself and request forgiveness, then each time he is tempted to vent his anger he will remind himself that afterwards he will be required to ask forgiveness, and this thought will help him to restrain his anger.

And to add the blessings of God, the source of all blessing, upon you to increase your feelings of love for your fellows and to work on this.

2004-02-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

Mekoros for Shalom Bayis, thanks to Rabbi "M:"
"C:" This ought to keep us busy for a while... ;-)

Man's responsibility:
A man may not diminish provision of all the food, clothes and affection that his wife needs (Exodus 21:10). He must provide financial support (standard kesuba), even if this requires hard or foul-smelling work (Pesachim 113a) or going to the field to farm (Yevamos 63a). He should share the benefits of his life and not cause her pain (Kesubos 61a). He must never be angry or frightening; he must promote her feeling joyous; If he hits her it can be grounds for immediate divorce and kesubah payment (Evven HaEzzer 154:3, Ramoh). As his financial or social station rises, he must give her more money and status accordingly (Rambam, Hilchos Ishus). He should love her as much as himself and honor her more than himself (Yevamos 62b), give tangible expressions of honor such as jewels and ornaments (Sanhedrin 76b).

Relative to what he can afford, he should eat and drink less that he can afford, dress himself according to what he can afford, and honor his wife and children with more than he can afford (Chulin 84b). He lets her be in charge of household matters; he must be careful with her honor; and is to never cause her to cry, to hurt or to curse him (Bava Metzia 59a). He must fully acknowledge and appreciate her for all which he accomplishes as a consequence of her support, encouragement or assistance (Kesubos 62b). He must give his wife compassion and protection (Hakdoma, Tur Evven Ho'Ezzer). He must take care of her needs before his own (Beraishis Raba 39:15). He must nurture a relationship of love and closeness with his wife (Iggeress HaKodesh, attributed to Ramban). During the first year of marriage, he may not leave his wife overnight, so she may grow secure with his love for her (Chinuch #582). He must take time to speak with her, and obtain and respect her opinions (Letter by Rabbi Akiva Aiger).

Woman's responsibility:
The wife must cook food and provide clothing (Yevamos 63a). She is obligated to serve him, revere him like a king and honor him exceedingly much (Rambam, Hilchos Ishus), tend to matters of the home and practical daily life (Bava Metzia 59a), obey him and do his will (Nedarim 66b). Where her honor and his are in conflict, she is to defer to him (Kidushin 31a). If she hits or refuses to go to mikva, she can be subject to divorce without kesuba payment (Shulchan Oruch, Evven Ho'Ezzer). When he is angry, she should calm him; when he is hurt, she should soothe him; when he has been done bad to, she should comfort him; when he is worried, she should restore him; when he is pressured, she should minimize requests; and cancel her will for her husband (Shlaw HaKodesh). She should diminish his sadness, his worry or anything which is hard on his heart (Shaivet Mussar). She should raise her man up and she is responsible for her duties (Kesubos 61a). She must not cause him pain [Evven HaEzzer 119].

2004-02-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

Why Getting Angry is Compared to Worshipping Idols
"Our Sages state[9] that a person who loses his temper is considered as if he worshipped idols. What is the connection between losing one's temper and idol worship?

Losing one's temper is obviously undesirable. It reflects a lack of self-control; it is socially unacceptable; but how is it connected to idol worship? The answer is that when a person loses his temper, he, in essence, is denying that what has occurred is coming from G-d. If he believed that everything that happens comes from G-d, that G-d is good and whatever G-d does is good, there is no room for losing one's temper, just as there is no room for depression and sadness."

[9] Zohar, Vol. I, p. 27b, Mishneh Torah, Hilchos De'os 2:3; cf. Nedarim 22b. See also Tanya, Iggeres HaKodesh, Epistle 25. (Source: "Chassidic Approach to Joy")

I guess the idea here is if a person really felt the Ribbono shel Olam was running the show and things are not to my liking who am I to 'schray' about them and lose my temper, b/c doing so is k'elu as if I'm denying the concept of Hashem's hashgacha...

2004-02-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

Watching Sports on the 'heilige' tv
First off, I'm 'obligated' to offer my congrats to you, "C", on the Pats SB victory last night--I hope you didn't get too 'wasted' in celebration, ;-). Now that I've gotten the preliminaries out of the way, I want to mention a 'kabalah' I accepted on myself after last night's game.

I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself 'what a colossal waste of time!' Not just the SB, but spending time watching/following all sports! Since the SB was such a close game, I was anxious all night, and my family, unfortunately, was the real loser--not just my not being there for them, but in addition, all/most of my interactions with them were hurried (i.e., so as not to miss a moment of the action, chas v'Shalom!), and I'm afraid I owe a few 'shekels' to the Shalom Bayis fund!

So, my kabalah, is as follows: bli neder, no more watching sports on tv. In addition, I edited my 'my yahoo' to remove from there all sports-related stuff (another colossal waste of time!). My goal is that when I walk into shul in the morning, I don't even know what they're talking about as far as who played whom, etc., ;-).

2004-01-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

SECOND POST (Please see earlier post, below, before reading this one)
I've reproduced here for our benefit, the text of the Gemara in Nedarim (22a-b) that I referred to earlier, which deals with ka'as. It is also worthwhile to see the Rosh, Ran and Maharsha on this sugyah. --G.

Nedarim 22a:R. Samuel b. Nahmani said in the name of R. Jonathan: He who loses his temper is exposed to all the torments of Gehenna,13 for it is written, Therefore remove anger from thy heart,’ thus wilt thou put away evil from thy flesh.14 Now ‘evil’ can only mean Gehenna, as it is written, The Lord hath made all things for himself yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.15 Moreover, he is made to suffer from abdominal troubles, as it is written, But the Lord shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind.16 Now what causes failing eyes and a sorrowful mind? Abdominal troubles.

When ‘Ulla went up to Palestine,17 he was joined by two inhabitants of Hozai,18 one of whom arose and slew the other. The murderer asked of ‘Ulla: ‘Did I do well?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied; ‘moreover, cut his throat clean across.’19 When he came before R. Johanan, he asked him, ‘Maybe, God forbid, I have strengthened the hands of transgressors?’ He replied, ‘You have saved your life.’20 Then R. Johanan wondered: The Lord shall give them there an infuriated heart21 refers to Babylon?22 ‘Ulla replied, ‘We had not yet (continued below)
____________________
(1) Lit., ‘something best left alone’.
(2) Lit., ‘the son of the daughter’. Var. lec.: Jannai Rabbah, the Great. He was a Palestinian amora of the first generation (second and third generation); to be distinguished from Jannai the Younger, a Palestinian amora of the fourth generation.
(3) The notion that there is a Heavenly ledger in which man's doings are recorded (cf. Aboth, III, 20) is probably connected with the idea of the Book of Life, in which are inscribed on the Judgment Day of New Year those who are to be granted life for the ensuing year (cf R.H. 15b). The Sefer Hasidim (13th century) observes that God is in no need of a book of records: ‘the Torah speaks the language of man’, i e.. figuratively. Cf Aboth, (Sonc. ed .) p. 12, n. 9.
(4) Prov. XX, 25.
(5) Because it terrifies one too much, and makes him ready to express a regret which he may not feel.
(6) Ibid. XII, 18.
(7) For sacrifice — this being forbidden since the building of Solomon's Temple.
(8) Merely building a high place without sacrificing is not so heinous all offence, and therefore the suggestion is not so terrifying.
(9) All agreeing that it is too frightening.
(10) Deut. XXIII, 23.
(11) Job III, 17. Thus forbearing being employed of the wicked in the latter verse, its use in the former shews that he who vows is also so dubbed.
(12) Supra 9a.
(13) V. p. 19, n. 6.
(14) Ecc. XI, 10.
(15) Prov. XVI, 4. This is understood to mean Gehenna.
(16) Deut. XXVIII, 65.
(17) ‘Ulla was a Prominent Palestinian amora of the latter part of the third century and the beginning of the fourth. He frequently visited Babylonia, in pursuance of the general policy of maintaining intellectual intercourse between these two great centres, and his learning was very highly esteemed there; Bacher, Ag. Bab. Amor. pp. 93-97.
(18) [Or Be'Hozae, the modern Khuzistan, province S.W. Persia, Obermeyer, Die Landschaft Babylonien, pp. 204ff.]
(19) Fearing that disapproval would endanger his own life; moreover, he wished to hasten his death.
(20) The action was excusable, being in self-defence.
(21) Ibid.
(22) How then could one Jew become so angry with another in Palestine as to slay him?

Nedarim 22b:
crossed the Jordan [into Palestine].’

Rabbah son of R. Huna said: He who loses his temper, even the Divine Presence is unimportant in his eyes, as it is written, The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek God,’ God is not in all his thoughts.1 R. Jeremiah of Difti2 said: He forgets his learning and waxes ever more stupid, as it is written, For anger resteth in the bosom of fools;3 and it is written, But the fool layeth open his folly.4 R. Nahman b. Isaac said: It is certain that his sins out number his merits, as it is written, And a furious man aboundeth in transgressions.5

R. Adda son of R. Hanina said: Had not Israel sinned, only the Pentateuch and the Book of Joshua would have been given them, [the latter] because it records the disposition of Palestine [among the tribes].6 Whence is this known? For much wisdom proceedeth from much anger.7
(1) Ps. X, 4.
(2) V. p. 214, n. 2.
(3) Ecc. VII, 9.
(4) Prov. XIII, 26.
(5) Prov. XXIX, 22.
(6) But the other books, consisting mostly of the rebukings of the prophets, would have been unnecessary.
(7) Ecc. I, 18; i.e., the anger of God caused Him to send many prophets with their wise teachings. — We learn through error, and sin becomes the occasion of a fuller Revelation by God.

2004-01-26T08:52:00.000-08:00

A git morgan to you, "C". I hope this finds you well. I've been thinking about our conversation from yesterday, regarding being mechazik each other in the heilegah inyan of shalom bayis, and controlling one's ka'as (anger) and came up with several ideas: 1) creation of this 'blog,' to record our thoughts, successes and not-so-successes in pursuing these admirable goals; 2) the adoption of a "k'nas" system, whereby we contribute an agreed upon amount to a special fund for our wives each time we do or say something that is not promoting the cause of shalom in the home (I figure by this time next year, we'll both be taking our wives on a cruise--alright, I'll speak for myself!); and 3) learning specific sugyos that deal with these inyanim (e.g., ka'as and SB), beginning with Nedarim 22a-b.